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[03 Jan 2005|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 happy |
] |
Monday January 3,2005
DGenerous79: :-*
Gc21Sp04: awwwwwwwwwww
Gc21Sp04: did you hide that tissue?
DGenerous79: nope lol
Gc21Sp04: i miss you
DGenerous79: i misssu a lot
DGenerous79: :-(
Gc21Sp04: aww sweetie
DGenerous79: :-*
Gc21Sp04: i wish i could hug you
DGenerous79: me2
Gc21Sp04: i want you in my bed
DGenerous79: me2
Gc21Sp04: i want to hug you all night
DGenerous79: :-*
Gc21Sp04: that too
Gc21Sp04: everything baby
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: brb
Gc21Sp04: ok
DGenerous79: back
DGenerous79: :-)
Gc21Sp04: cool
DGenerous79: :-*
DGenerous79: :-*:-*
Gc21Sp04: awwww
DGenerous79: i love u
Gc21Sp04: i love you too
DGenerous79: :-*
Gc21Sp04: i'm so tired
DGenerous79: aww
Gc21Sp04: i wanna fall asleep with you
DGenerous79: id love that
Gc21Sp04: how much
DGenerous79: A LOT
DGenerous79: :-*
DGenerous79: my back hurts
Gc21Sp04: aww i'd rub it
DGenerous79: ok
DGenerous79: :-*
DGenerous79: jen deagl hurt it
Gc21Sp04: how?
DGenerous79: didnt hold my bottom enough
Gc21Sp04: i miss siira
DGenerous79: me2
DGenerous79: she'd call me darling
Gc21Sp04: lol she calls me that too
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: she's cute huh
Gc21Sp04: yup
Gc21Sp04: all of them are
DGenerous79: yes
DGenerous79: goodnight sweetie
DGenerous79: :-*
Gc21Sp04: goodnight i love you alot
DGenerous79: love u Alot
DGenerous79: :-*
DGenerous79: nighthun
Gc21Sp04: talk to you tomorrow
Gc21Sp04:
DGenerous79: :-)
DGenerous79 signed off at 11:04:24 PM.
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[03 Jan 2005|10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
Monday, January 03, 2005
saturday1/1/05 night siira and i rented some movies and they were so funny, we were up til 4am.
sunday 1/2//05
siira/mom/jorma/and i went to the mall. i spent 60 dollers i bought the aniika a care bear 9 bucks jeffery a baby movie 10 i spent $25 on them
then we went to aeropostile i bought a sweatshirt $10 a black purse $5
siira and i went to cvs i bought lotion a magize and few other so i spent $18
then we went to dairy queen bought blizard
suvi went to bed around 10pm siira and i hang out around 12:15 we got hungry so we made chicken nuggets and fries and they weren't good. we stayed up til 5am we were talking
monday 1/3/05
we woke up at 11:30am i had a home health aide at 12 the nurse came at 12:45. siira left here around 4pm. i miss her alot
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[31 Dec 2004|10:15am] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
Thursday 12.23 2004,
I got out of the hospital, I went in December 11th. Today has been 5 years that dad died, I can’t believe that time flys. When the doctor came and woke me up, I had a dream that dad was waking me up.
Friday 12.24.04
I woke up around 10:30 a nurse changed my dressing, then mom got me ready for the night. Brad and Suvi came first, around 4pm Bret, Maiju, Christian, and Hailey came. We ate at 4:30, after that we all hung out. Hailey and I were coloring. At 6pm, everyone went to church except me because of my surgery. At 8 pm, everyone came home and we opened our presents. I got a new cd player, a pink shirt, a blue with strips shirt, blue pants, socks, a dvd “13 going onto 30" a lot of other things, I can’t think.
Saturday 12.25, 2004 I really didn’t do much except wake up to a nurse.
Sunday 12.26. Mom Jorma and I went to pick up Siira from Boston, she flew in from Florida. Her plane landed at 3:45 but she didn’t get off til 5pm. It was snowing when the plane landed, we got home at 8pm. Siira gave us our Christmas presents, I got a shirt, a cd. Siira and I went to bed at 2:30am, I watched the end of “The Best Christmas Ever”
Monday 12.27.2004
Today mom woke me up at 10am for my meds, then I couldn’t fall back asleep it kinda made me mad because I was tired. A nurse came at 12:45 stayed until 1:15. I took a shower around 2:45, after mom dressed me, Maiju, Christian and Hailey came. They were so cute, at 4pm Siira and Suvi went shopping. Maiju stayed, until 4:30pm.
I can’t belive that only three more days til its been a yr that Dave and I have dated each other, we took breaks but they were only day ones. We tried to be friends but we can’t be “just” friends, its so different talking to him. I’m going to buy him a shirt, minutes for his cell phone, a movie.
Tuesday 12.28, 2004
Hailey came and woke me up at 10am, Christian and Bret woke Siira up. After I was done I went to play with them. At 10:45, we had quiet time because they were so loud. After that we had lunch, Christian wouldn’t eat the pizza because it was a day old. They left around 3pm, Siira and Suvi went to Brads. Then Siira slept over Maijus for the night
around 6:30 a nurse came by because my colostomy was leaking, at 7:30 she left. Maryann my old case manger called to do a eval for my pca program. I told her that I got a colostomy but I didn’t want to tell her the whole story because it’d get way out of hand. She’ll find out, and she’ll question me, like everyone does.
Wednesday 12.29.2004
I woke up around 9 to take my meds, I fell back asleep til 12 noon. Got up, got dressed, looked at my site.
Dave came on around 3pm, he called me at 4pm we talked for a good hour, then Miia called. Mom and jorma were getting their hair cut, the came home brought me dinner from wendy’s chicken and fries. I baby sat hailey at 6:30 Bret, Maiju, Christian, Brad and Suvi went to the movies. They came home at 10pm
tomorrow I got a home health aide at 2:30pm I hope a nurse comes because my colostomy keeps leaking.
1 more day until I’ve been a yr with Dave and I love every second of it. Lately he’s been putting him self down and I feel bad
Friday December 31, 2004
Today has been a year that Dave and I started to date I'm so happy!! I love him so much, .
Last night i went to bed at 10pm, then i had to call 911 at 11 because my stomach was hurting so badly. but i found out it’s a uti so they gave me stronger meds.
tonight I'm watching Christian and Hailey, Maiju and Bret are going to the movies. I get paid tonight Hailey's so hyper. Yesterday she was here and she touches everything! I was like Hailey stop touching things! She said "No" oh boy. I love her anyway. Christian will probably want to use the computer or watch a DVD. I'm going to have both of them say Happy New Year to Dave
Happy New Year everyone.
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| annoyed,frustrated,sad,missing him, |
[09 Dec 2004|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
Yesterday I was writing and Dave asked me if he could read it. I said sure, so I went away. I came back and he said “am I a bad boyfriend” I said no, then he copied what I had written in my journal and put it on the instant message, I felt so bad. I really love him. Things have changed with him and I we don’t talk that much on aim, we’ll say a few things then we both stop. On Monday things were good but then he told me that he was going to eat and call me right back, well he didn’t do that. He called me, but we didn’t say much on the phone. It’s like I don’t even want to see him on New years eve cause he’s acting so weird. Sometimes it’s worthless even to say “hi” to him online, cause I know in a few minutes we won’t be talking. Last night he called me, it was like we were just friends, cause we didn’t talk much. So I won’t be calling him anymore, I don’t want to hold the phone and hear nothing. When he says “I love you” I don’t want to say it back, I don’t think that I want to talk to him for a few days, but then if I block him he’ll ask everyone is she okay? I’m not happy with us right now, but I don’t know how to say to him. Because he’ll say “do you want to break up?” I’ll say no. I’m not sure what I want right now.
Siira’s coming to us the day after Christmas, I’m so happy. I have missed her like crazy, she and I have so much fun. We’ll do crazy shit, like we’ll have ice cream then she’ll put sprinkles and other things on top of her ice cream. I’m glad that she gets a break from Jeff, cause he drives her crazy.
I can’t wait to start college cause then it’ll keep me busy. The only problem is that I need to go to the day program, I hope that I don’t get stuck doing computer work. Because that’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life even though people say that I’m good at it, I’d rather be with little kids. They’re so cute. After I’m done college, I’m not staying at the day program cause I’m going to work.
I can’t wait until this Saturday, we’re having a Christmas party. This morning when mom was getting me dressed she said that we are having Christmas here, it won’t be the same without Miia, Jeff, Siira Jeffery and Aniika. But oh well at least Maiju and Bret are here. I probably won’t go to church because it hurts to get in the van still.
I wish that I could go out but it hurts my stomach, Dave was telling me that I need to go to mall or somewhere. I almost said yeah well it’s not that easy anymore. I’ve lost interest of going out, when I go to the mall I don’t enjoy it. To much medical shit. But one good thing my back doesn’t hurt anymore. I am so happy about that, cause that was driving me crazy.
Since Monday after Dave didn’t call me back, it’s made me fall out of love. I really don’t believe in it anymore, he always asks “are you okay?” if I say no he asks “whats wrong” but I never tell him that I don’t want to talk to him anymore, I hate when he says “can I go watch a movie?” he says he feels guilty but I don’t feel guilty if I put an away message up right away. He’s changed oh well. I guess I’ll keep telling myself that I love him even though my heart doesn’t love him anymore
xoAng83xox: back
DGenerous79: cool
DGenerous79: :-)
DGenerous79: :-*
xoAng83xox: aww
DGenerous79: i love you
xoAng83xox: ilu2
DGenerous79: muuuuahhh:-*
DGenerous79: how was ur day
xoAng83xox: good
DGenerous79: cool
xoAng83xox: urs?
DGenerous79: not bad
DGenerous79: :-)
xoAng83xox: did you get my email?
DGenerous79: u watching oprAH
xoAng83xox: yup
DGenerous79: i'll check
DGenerous79: sad
xoAng83xox: i didnt mean to write it
xoAng83xox: i've written shit about mom,miia,suvi
DGenerous79: very good e-mail
DGenerous79: =-O
DGenerous79: ur mom
xoAng83xox: so its not just you
xoAng83xox: i get sick of Suvi too but i still love her.. i'm sorry if i hurt you
DGenerous79: i glad u understand that we both have a lot to deal with and we have lifes
DGenerous79: im ok hun
DGenerous79: :-*
xoAng83xox: theres some days that i wanna get rid of her but if i did i wouldn't be happy and that goes for you too
DGenerous79: aww the ones ya love the most we give the most crap lol
xoAng83xox: lol.. so true.. i gotta tell suvi that one
DGenerous79: like i hate mike soul i give him no probs, but if my mom hurts me i get mad
DGenerous79: but im gona tell him
xoAng83xox: yeah
DGenerous79: to f off
xoAng83xox: lol
DGenerous79: i wanna get horny
xoAng83xox: :-D
DGenerous79: :-D
xoAng83xox: my back no longer hurts, it was cause i had the uti
DGenerous79: thats good
DGenerous79: I rather be dead and cool, then alive and uncool.....
xoAng83xox: the catheter gave me one i'm not sure how that happened
DGenerous79: yea
DGenerous79: i do cause you kept the catheter in for like a month, should change it every 2 weeks atleast
DGenerous79: jen takes care of kathy she needs to be cathed she gets it replaced often
xoAng83xox: in jan its coming out for good, and i can't use a a medication that will hold the urine in cause then i'll run into problems..
DGenerous79: other wise bactera builds up and can cause infection
DGenerous79: yea
xoAng83xox: i screamed when they put it in
DGenerous79: yes fucking hurts:-(
xoAng83xox: it feels funny coming out though
DGenerous79: hurts
DGenerous79: ?'
xoAng83xox: no
DGenerous79: didnt dawn know to change it?
DGenerous79: once
xoAng83xox: yes, but the dr's told her not to take it out til the special dr saw me
xoAng83xox: that one time when i thought it came out she flushed it to see if i got wet and i didn't
DGenerous79: i had a cath after my back surgery but only for a week then took it out...
DGenerous79: yeah
xoAng83xox: i miss you like crazy:-(
DGenerous79: me too baby
xoAng83xox: i was thinking about you so much last night more then usual;-)
xoAng83xox: but thats not a bad thing either:-)
DGenerous79: aww bout what
DGenerous79: nope;-)
xoAng83xox: being with you
DGenerous79: doing what:-*
xoAng83xox: hugging you!
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: what else
xoAng83xox: this morning i was like "he's soo cute"
xoAng83xox: kissing you
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: what else hun?
xoAng83xox: rubbing your head making you sleepy
DGenerous79: what else
xoAng83xox: sleeping with you
xoAng83xox: nice and close
DGenerous79: yea what else
xoAng83xox: your eyes
DGenerous79: having sex?:-*
xoAng83xox: the way you don't give up on me
xoAng83xox: no
xoAng83xox: well
xoAng83xox: kinda
xoAng83xox: haha
DGenerous79: nice
DGenerous79: what poistion
xoAng83xox: wouldn't you like to know there cutie;-)
DGenerous79: awww
DGenerous79: i would:-)
xoAng83xox: hmm
xoAng83xox: you'll see my cutie when the time is right
DGenerous79: aww
xoAng83xox: hows that for a answer?
DGenerous79: very sweet
xoAng83xox: i wanna hug my cutie ;-)
DGenerous79: me2
xoAng83xox: i want you as my teddy bear in my bed
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: sqeeze me
xoAng83xox: i'll just put my arms around you and hug you all night
DGenerous79: aww
xoAng83xox: that sounds very good to me:-);-)
DGenerous79: kiss your teddy bear
xoAng83xox: posibly
xoAng83xox: ;-)
DGenerous79: aww brb
xoAng83xox: ok
DGenerous79: back hun
DGenerous79: can i calll u
xoAng83xox: hmm
DGenerous79: :-)
xoAng83xox: yes you can let me get the cordless
DGenerous79: ok
xoAng83xox: you can call me now
DGenerous79: ok
xoAng83xox: mr.happy needs to come off but i'd be scared that he'd find his way into my pants!
DGenerous79: yes he would
DGenerous79: lol
xoAng83xox: then i'd kill him by putting him in a plastic bag
DGenerous79: lol
xoAng83xox: no press and seal!
xoAng83xox: hey can i call you now?
DGenerous79: not yet gotta pee
xoAng83xox: ok
xoAng83xox: hun?
DGenerous79: CarpeDiem603
xoAng83xox: DGenerous79: aww the ones ya love the most we give the most crap lol
xoAng83xox: ur my horse cuz u give me a ride for a life timw
xoAng83xox: i've 2 cavties in the front like the bottom
DGenerous79 is away at 7:42:36 PM.
DGenerous79 returned at 7:52:58 PM.
DGenerous79 is away at 7:56:13 PM.
xoAng83xox: lol
Auto response from DGenerous79: ur my horse cuz u give me a ride for a life time....
DGenerous79: :-D
DGenerous79 returned at 7:56:28 PM.
DGenerous79: :-*
DGenerous79: pony
DGenerous79: my pony
xoAng83xox: you seemed like didn't wanna talk to me once you started to listen to your music?
DGenerous79: i do
xoAng83xox: oh okay
DGenerous79: i was watching a clip of a movie
xoAng83xox: ohh
DGenerous79: my little pony
xoAng83xox: :-)
DGenerous79: :-)
DGenerous79: ride my baby;-)
DGenerous79: me
DGenerous79: opps
xoAng83xox: haha
DGenerous79: id ride u like a bull
xoAng83xox: :-)
DGenerous79: u like?
xoAng83xox: people ask me "whats wrong?" what do i answer when nothing goes good anymore?
xoAng83xox: yea
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: thats sad:-(
xoAng83xox: yea
xoAng83xox: well its true
DGenerous79: atleast nurses dont take over ur house
xoAng83xox: true
DGenerous79: u'll get the cath out soon, now u gotta work on ur depression
DGenerous79: brb
DGenerous79 is away at 8:13:40 PM.
xoAng83xox: k
Auto response from DGenerous79: id ride u like a bull
xoAng83xox: lol
xoAng83xox: brb
Auto response from DGenerous79: I am away from my computer right now.
xoAng83xox: back
DGenerous79: u mad
DGenerous79 returned at 8:19:26 PM.
DGenerous79: :-(:-(
xoAng83xox: no why am i mad?
DGenerous79: im no good:-(
xoAng83xox: no
DGenerous79: i donno:-\
xoAng83xox: why are u saying that?
DGenerous79: said ur hot
xoAng83xox: cause i'm not mad at you
DGenerous79: you are hot
xoAng83xox: ty
xoAng83xox: DGenerous79: im no good:-( why'd u say that?
DGenerous79: u said ur hot thought it meant ur are pissed:-(
xoAng83xox: no i didn't mean that hot
DGenerous79: =-Ooh
DGenerous79: lol
DGenerous79: srry
xoAng83xox: i thought i that a temp
xoAng83xox: but no temp
DGenerous79: good
xoAng83xox: all though my face is red
DGenerous79: cause ur horny 4 me;-)
xoAng83xox: haha
DGenerous79: id ride u like a bull
xoAng83xox: lol
DGenerous79: :-D
DGenerous79: made minna laugh
DGenerous79: :-*:-D
xoAng83xox: i just smiled thats all:-)
DGenerous79: :-)
DGenerous79: i wanna die
DGenerous79: :-(
xoAng83xox: why?
DGenerous79: bored
DGenerous79: i live to make u laugh
xoAng83xox: aww
DGenerous79: its true
DGenerous79: id die 4 u
DGenerous79: this time of year id be sad
DGenerous79: i feel bad
DGenerous79: sok id just hug u
xoAng83xox: what do u mean
DGenerous79: about ur dad
DGenerous79: brb
xoAng83xox: oh ok, i'm fine
DGenerous79: hey
DGenerous79: my nurse pam lost her husband at 30 something
DGenerous79: heart attack
xoAng83xox: hun can we change the subject?
DGenerous79: she said pple greive differantly
DGenerous79: ok
DGenerous79: :-(
xoAng83xox: ty
DGenerous79: i love you
xoAng83xox: i love you too
DGenerous79: :-(
xoAng83xox: why the sad face hun?
DGenerous79: i wanna be ur baby 4ever
xoAng83xox: you are
DGenerous79: aww
DGenerous79: promise
DGenerous79: :-):-\
xoAng83xox: yea
DGenerous79: :-):-):-):-)
DGenerous79: u should drink it makes me happy
DGenerous79: wine
DGenerous79: it works
xoAng83xox: nah
DGenerous79: im seroise
xoAng83xox: i believe you
DGenerous79: i wanna say hi to Jesus
DGenerous79: :-)
DGenerous79: :-(
DGenerous79: got jen:'(
DGenerous79: shoot me
DGenerous79: pleeeezwe
xoAng83xox: no
DGenerous79: pleez hun
xoAng83xox: no
DGenerous79: fuck me
DGenerous79: :-(
DGenerous79: hard
DGenerous79: bin ladens after me!
DGenerous79: :-(
xoAng83xox: no
DGenerous79: i shed a tear cause im missing you
xoAng83xox: aww
DGenerous79: i still alright to smile but girl i think about you everyday day now
DGenerous79: im*
xoAng83xox: is that part of a song?
DGenerous79: yup
DGenerous79: guns n roses
xoAng83xox: cool
DGenerous79: its caled patience
xoAng83xox: cool
DGenerous79: :-*
xoAng83xox: aww
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| fuck everything!! |
[05 Dec 2004|05:43pm] |
Sunday December 5, 2004
life really sucks right now, Dave wants to call but I don’t want to be ignored. Mom and Jorma want to take me out but I’m not in the mood to go shopping, I’m sick of everyone trying to make me feel better. I wish that they’d leave me alone for awhile.
I feel like Dave doesn’t care about me, cause when we talk he’s always listening to music or talking to other people but me. I’m getting sick of him.
Everyone’s on my ass, mom tries to get me to eat. I hate being like this, I want to be healthy again. I’ve been sick for a month, it seems like I’m not getting better. I wish that I’d die tomorrow cause I can’t deal with this shit anymore.
I don’t feel human anymore, cause someone’s always on my ass. Even though Dawn is nice I can’t take it.
It’s so sad, no one notices that I’m sad. Not even Dave, he’s so different now. I hate that, ever since I came home from the hospital he’s changed.
Yesterday, I printed out an easter seals paper. Jorma said "now your mom and I can plan to go to Finland" I said, I don't want you guys to leave me here with Suvi cause she messes everything up every summer. Last summer she went to a party and I called 911 cause I felt like I was going to faint, then Suvi wrote in her away message "for the records, I hate my sister".
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[03 Dec 2004|03:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
Friday December 1, 2004
Last night I kept spasming, and it sucked. I feel hopeless, I really wish that I could be happy. it’s getting harder.
Today I got a letter from the local college, and I’m going to start in Janury 05. I’m really excited, I know that it won’t be easy but it’ll keep me busy. After my Dr. Appt on the 13 I’m going to see when I can go and take the placement test. I’ll still do the day program til I’m done school.
I woke up at 10:45, that’s when the home health aide came, I was up at 11:15. I ate, then Dawn came we think that I have a UTI
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[02 Dec 2004|07:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
Thursday December 2, 2004
I am so fucking frustrated with my fucking body, cause it spasms all day. It ruins everything for me, I’m so sick of it. I was talking to Dave, then I lost interest cause I got so pissed off at my body. I wish that I could get my wheelchair fixed cause its killing my back and ass, the doctors are to slow. My ass goes numb my back hurts, it makes my body go weird in my chair.
Last night my body was so itchy so I made myself bleed, I hope that the new wafers come in tomorrow.
I watched Hailey from 12pm- 2:30 she was so cute. First she didn’t want to stay but once Maiju left she was okay. We colored, watched baby movies, worked on a Christmas Tree, she ate so much.
I think that I’m going to have Dr.Wong put my right leg to sleep for good, cause it’s to spastic for me, I know that I won’t be able to walk but it has to be done, cause I’m not happy with it. It’s so tight, so maybe putting it to sleep will be the best thing.
Wednesday December 1, 2004
It’s already December wow does time pass by!! Anyway, today a home health aide came helped me take a shower. Around 1pm Dawn came and looked at my colostomy, she said that it’s looking good.
It’s been raining all day, this morning when I woke up it was so shitty out. Its also windy out, I hope that we don’t loose power
12/31 will be a year with Dave. I’ll go over there for New Years Eve, we’ll get hotel (mom, Jorma and I) I’ll stay at Daves until his mom wants to go to bed. I can’t wait!
I guess we’re going to have Christmas even though Miia and Jeff won’t come, Siira and I were saying that Jeff needs a real job. He needs to open his eyes and realize that he has a family to support and ebay isn’t going to pay for it.
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| christmas just keeps getting worse :O(.. (thanks miia and jeff)!!) |
[30 Nov 2004|12:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
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aggravated |
] |
Tuesday November 30, 2004
I woke up around 11 ate some chocolate, went online. Got dressed, looked up some quotes. Hailey and Maiju came here around 12:23. Mom was making me lunch, so Hailey had some of my lunch too. After lunch she was so hyper, she ate so much chocolate.
Mom sent out my application to the Mount, I really hope that I get in so that I can go to school.
Maiju was telling mom that she once called Miia, and Jeff was on the phone. Miia called back and said not to call so many times when he’s on the phone. It’s to bad that Jeff’s like that, I feel like him and Miia don’t care about us. It makes me real sad. I don’t want to talk to them for awhile. I blocked Miia’s email. I know it's not their fault, but it pissed me off. Jeff says that he's a "part Swedish" well, Swedish&Finnish like the cold, he's weird anyway. At least Bret is normal, because when we go over he's not yelling at Maiju if Hailey needs to be changed unlike Jeff. We'll have a good Christmas. I feel bad for Siira though, because she's misses her friends.
Tomorrow morning, I can’t sleep late cause I got a home health aide then a nurse. Oh well, Thursday Hailey’s coming Friday busy day again.
Becky from DMR called and I told her about the mount, she was happy that I applied. She didn’t know that I had a huge operation.
On December 7, I have a doctors appt to see how my bladder is doing, December 13 I have another Dr’s appt to see how my stomach is doing. I hope that they’ll say its okay for me to go the day program. Cause I’m getting bored, with myself here.
Monday 29, 2004
I woke up around 11:30 waiting for the home health aide, she came around 11:45. I took a shower, then Kim from PCA place was here until 1pm. I went online.
Dave called my cell phone around 8:30 I wanted to date him again I was to shy to ask so I typed it then got rid of it, he guessed my question. So now we are dating again. He called me again at 12:15am we talked until 1:15. I fell asleep with the TV on til 4:30 am. Mom came down and fixed me.
Miia told me that she wasn’t going to come this way because its to much money and she wants all of us to come down there for Christmas but I don’t want to see her or Jeff. I like Bret better because he doesn’t need to go out to eat every night.
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| fuck life right now |
[28 Nov 2004|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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Thursda November 25,
Mom,Jorma,Suvi, Brad and I went to Maijus for Thanksgiving. Hailey was scared of Brad, when we got there she kept telling me "I'm scared" mom picked her up and brought her over to the couch and we started to talk to her, she was saying that she was a little girl, she's so cute. After we ate, Hailey played hide-n-seek. She was making me laugh. After everyone was done cleaning the kitchen and the table we all went for a walk.
Friday November 26,
It started fine, until later that night. I was talking to Dave and he said by the way I'm going out, so after he went out I was thinking that I really don't want to date him anymore he cried.
Saturday November 27,
I slept til 12:45, but didn't get up til 2 cause my stomach got real red so a nurse came and took care of that. Dave came on and it was hard but we worked it out
Sunday November 28,
I woke up around 9am cause mom needed to go to church, Larry came to fix the computer. I went out with mom and Jorma around 4 and came back @ 7.
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| A wicked nice day out! |
[23 Nov 2004|12:01pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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i got to go out yesterday. i went to the dr he took out the staples. it didn't hurt at all. after that mom and i went to barns and noble i got 2 books. cause i get bored easly. but now i can go out. i was so happy yesterday, cause i was going crazy.
todays a really nice day out, the sun is shining. when i get dressed i'll probably go out on my deck and read.
i'm hoping to get my wheelchair fixed, cause my ass goes numb and my back always hurts. the doctors didn't write a letter to fix my wheelchair grr..
two more days til thanksgiving, i'm happy that i can go to maiju's (she's my older sister). hailey's been sick, yesterday she was throwing up. poor her she's only two and 27 months old. hopefully she's better by thursday, cause i can't afford to get sick.
today's the pastor and his wife are coming to visit me, i've only talked with him for a while at our church camp he seems weird. but on friday night he called me and i was telling him that i like this band good charlotte and they have a real good song called "hold on" i told him that it really helps me if i'm down. i said sometimes i blast it cause it makes me feel so much better when i do.
"Hold On"
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on
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| busy day as always! |
[19 Nov 2004|11:06am] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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daughters- john mayor |
] |
todays alittle better. i woke up around 9am, the nurse came and checked up on me her name was wendy. she was really nice. she was telling me that i need to eat more. like chicken and steak.
last night i got to talk to dave for a while, he was making me laugh. then he had to go cause his brothers girlfriend called so we talked on aim for alittle. then i talked with danica and allie to see what plans were tonight. mom put me in bed like 11:15 i got sleepy.
i got a baby movie of the twins and they are so damn cute. the first one was jeffery was climbing on his moms bed and aniika was mad because she can't climb that high yet. the second one was aniika was sitting on the bed and saying "quack quack" then she wanted to get down so miia needed to help her. i really hope that they come up here for christmas, because i miss them. plus it'd be fun to watch hailey,jeffery and aniika play.
@ 11:45 an home health aide is going to help me get washed up. and get ready for the day, they only stay for an hour but thats better then nothing.
November 18, 2004
daves been stressing me out like crazy, cause i want to talk to him but he's always playing pool. i don't want to get rid of him, but i don't want to talk to him if he's playing pool. i called him and it took him a while to respond back. fuck life right now..
this morning my colostomy started to leak, around 4:30 my cathter started to leak. no fun. i can't seem to be happy and its driving me fucking crazy.
cheryl my neibor called, we talked for an hour. i was telling her that dave's been playing pool instead of talking to me. like he says "i miss you". i'm just getting sick of him. even suvi talks to me more then him. he almost lost me because i had blood poisning 2 weeks ago. i really wish that he'd pay more attetion to me. but i doubt that. it makes me feel like i am nothing to him anymore. its the worst feeling too.. but cheryl told me to ignore him just like he's doing to me. so i'm going to keep ignoring him until he learns a lesson.
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[16 Nov 2004|11:54am] |
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You make me happy
You make me smile
You make me laugh
You make me feel so loved
I couldn’t ask for anyone but you
you might not think your something special
but you are in my eyes
you might not think that you are cute
but your are in my eyes
I’m so happy that you’re back in my life
I’d be so lost without you
I may not see you everyday
but I love you everyday
When I see your screen name
I smile
When you have bad days
I’ll be here to make sure that you are okay
cause I know that you would do the same for me too
I love you so much sweetie
Love always,
Minna
11.16.04
so damn fussterated with my legs! i'm having spasms like crazy, and they make me really hot i am so sad/mad at my legs. also the effxer that the dr put me on isn't helping me.
last night i was talking to dave for an hour and he really misses me, i miss him too. i can't wait to see him but it all depends on the dr. cause i can't even get in the van. so i'm not sure whats happing for thanksgiving. i really want to go out cause that'd make me happy.
i got flowers from my aunt with some chocolate. last week i got flowers from our friend nancy and i though that i could drink it, well i did and it didn't taste good haha.
i slept good last night i had weired, that ambush maker over came and did my hair and got good charlotte and simple plan to come play some of their music. another dream was that mom-jorma-and i had to climb this big mountian and we'd see like miia-jeff-siira-jeffery jr- and- aniika. i woke up around 9:20 and layed in bed for 5 mintues.
today mom doesn't need to go to work, i'm happy because i like how she's here and taking care of me. her work place said that she needed to take care of me and that she's always been there everyday.. next week she gets 5 days off because of thanksgiving break
yesterday 11.14.04 hailey came and visited me and she was so cute. my nurse dawn came and hailey got shy, but after she was all done what she had to do with me. she had to call the doctor, so i went in the living room and talked with hailey she showed me her new shoes. after her and i went to the computer and looked at some pictures and a baby movie she said "aniika and jeffery". she's so cute, she makes me happy. hopefully i'll get to see her soon.
i've made a xanga journal, i like it better because i can add color. but i'll still be writing it in here. my xanga is just for me, this one is public. :O)
today i'm going to call cheryl my nehierbor up the street and let her know that i'm home. because she saw me go to the er and she came and visited. she's so nice i really like her, i can't go for a walk with her and maggie her dog cause maggie is huge and she'd probably hurt my stomach. i can't even go in the van :O( i'm going to beg the doctor on monday the 22 so that i can go out for thanksgiving and see dave, if not its okay maiju and dave understands that i can't go in the van.
i need to go eat lunch, mom made me chicken and fries.
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| Okay |
[15 Nov 2004|09:41am] |
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Last night I got wicked pissed at my body because I got sick of everything, but then Dave helped me calm down. I talked with Jenny for a while last night, she's so crazy. I miss her alot, this summer, I want to paint my room with her. I want it a light purple, so hopefully we can do that. Even though it's going to pain to take everything down. Sarah and Abby took everything down but they weren't so careful with the pictures/posters. But I know that Jenny will becarefull, I don't care about the guy posters, but I care about Good Charlottle, Simple Plan, Blink 182.
I went to bed around 12am, I watched TV until 1am then I fell asleep. I had a weird dream, that Siira was here and she was coloring her hair. Jeff was mad, then Suvi came in with a bunch of friends. I'm not sure where mom or Jorma were. Another dream was that Dave didn't think my cell phone was an adult phone, mom and everyone was saying it was he said no its not, also in my dream. Suvi locked my door by mistake then she wanted to come in and she couldn't cause I was in bed then she got mad at me.
I typed up a letter to Good Charlotte, because I really want to meet them. But I'm not sure how well I did, so here it is anyway.
Dear Good Charlotte.
My name is Minna Talviharju. I’m 21 years old and I have a disability I have Reigers Syndrome and Cerable Palsy. I have been in a wheelchair since I was five years old.
I became a fan of yours when my friend Gail introduced me to the song Hold On.
When I was 16 I lost my dad he had colon cancer for 9 and half years. I never understood why I was like this. He always told me that I was special from the world. Your song Hold On makes me think that I can’t let go because there might be something real good for me in this world. Sometimes I think that I’m nothing to the world but when I listen to Hold On I really hold on.
Summer of August 2003, I became very depressed and ended up in the hospital. I thought that I had hit rock bottom because all my friends went to college so has my sister. Spring of 2004 my friend Gail had me listen to your CD.
When I don’t think that I can handle my life I listen to your CD and it helps me get threw my life. Your CD has given me the chance to go on in my life. I know that one day they’ll find a cure for my disability. But until then I’ll keep listening to your songs until they do.
I'm not going to send it in yet cause I got to edit it, then I'll send them my picture so that they really know that I am disabled.
I can't believe that next week will be Thanksgiving already, we'll probably go over Maiju's and hang over there for a while. I'll be happy because I get to be with Hailey and she's so cute! She talks so much now. When I was in the hospital she'd come and visit me, and she'd be so cute. One day she came, mom came at 12pm and brought me fries and I wanted water. So Hailey ran after mom because she wanted some water too, everyone thought that she was so cute. She's coming over today, she makes me happy. Even though she is a busy body she's so cute. I'll probably take her in my room and we'll go on www.pbs.org and play this cookie monster game, where cookie monster can only have the cookies that begin with a certin letter and then you feed him the cookie and he makes a mess it makes Hailey laugh.
Yesterday Miia called my cell phone, we were talking about the babies. Aniika one day fell out of the tub, Miia and Siira started to laugh. Miia said she got up and walked to her room. I miss them so much. I really hope that they come up for Christmas. Last Christmas they came to chruch with us, Aniika started to sing when the people did she was only 7 months old. It'd be fun having Hailey, Jeffery and Aniika all here of course Siira and Christian too. Speaking of them, Miia found picture's of them two when they were little and they were so cute. Siira looks like Hailey when she was her age, so does Christian.
Today I woke up around 9am, mom got me up in my wheelchair. I took my meds and checked my email. Today I'm supposed to be getting a visitng nurse Dawn. I think that next week, I'll get home health aides same like PCA'S. I need to find some new Pca's, we got a list from the hospital so we'll probably be calling around. Jenny will always be my Pca until she gets out of law school. But she'll always be my best friend, she makes me laugh. I love and miss her. Last night she told me that Bin Ladan was out my window I said haha, she told me that she's so happy that Halloween is over and done with because I'd send her fake spiders in the mail hehe.
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| Pain, Missing Dave, |
[14 Nov 2004|10:05am] |
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music |
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Dare you to move, Switchfoot |
] |
Today I woke up around 8:30 cause I was in pain again. After mom put me in wheelchair I wanted some Finnish pancakes so she made them for me. Last night I talked to Dave on aim, I told him that I was feeling ugly but he always says no you're not ugly, "i'm ugly" he's not he's really cute. I can't wait to see him I hope that I can see him 12.31 because thats when I asked him out last year. Mom and Jorma will drive down with me, and leave me with him for a while they'll probably stay at an hotel for a while or go out. But I'm hoping that we can stay in a hotel so that I could see him for more then one day, but even if I can only see him for one day thats better then nothing. Today the visting nurse Kristen is coming at 10:30am, she'll probably stay until 11am or 11:30am. Snow is still on the ground, but its okay I like it. Because I know that its getting closer to the hoildays, I hope that Miia, Jeff, Siira and the babies come up for Christmas, but I don't know because Jeff doesn't like the cold weather but he should come up because its for Christmas, and if he starts complaing oh well.. One day in the summer it was rainy and I said do you miss this weather he said "No", he's always been weird. I want to see Miia, Siira and the babies because I miss them really bad. Siira will probably stay up here for Christmas break, I hope that she'll stay here and go to Maiju's for a day or too. Last night I was writing a letter to dad and after I was done typing it something fell. But here's the letter so that everyone can read it. I hope that everyone likes it.
Hey Dad
I’m sure that you’ve seen me in the hospital
I’m sure that you’ve seen my lonely side
I’m sure that you’ve seen my happy side
In the hospital
I’m finally home
I’m okay
I have another hurdle to jump
I know that I can jump it
It’s almost been 5 years without you
I can’t believe it
No one can dad
Everyone thinks and prays for you
They also pray for me too
I’m still with Dave
almost a year
I am really happy with him
He reminds me of you
Jorma moms boyfriend
is building a poach
Moms doing fine
Miia’s busy with the kids so is Maiju
Suvi’s with her boyfriend
I want to teach the kids about you
Hailey looks at your pictures
I tell her that you’re in heaven
She says your name
Jeffery Jr has your middle name
When he’s older we’ll tell him about you
If you were here you’d have a lot of fun of your grandchildren
They are a lot of fun
Hailey makes me laugh
She keeps everyone busy
I’m sure that you see her
She has my eyes
Soon I’ll be rasing money for cancer
I’ll be thinking of you
I want to do it for all the people who still suffer with cancer
I want to help people
I’m sure that you see me
My legs are tight
But I’ll get help with them
Soon I’ll be getting botox
So that I can stand again dad!
I want to walk
I’m not going to give up
Until the day that I die
You’d be so proud of me
I must be going on my way
So I hope that you’re okay in heaven
I miss you a lot
But you’re in my heart forever
I love you
Love always
Minna
November 13, 2004
November 13, 2004
I have been in the hospital since 11,3,04 and I got out 11, 12,04. On 11,3,04 I got wicked bad stomach pain so mom called 911. The doctors took ex rays and noticed that I needed emergency surgery. Around 6:15 I was brought to the operterating room. I was scared they were real nice. The nurses woke up me around 9:30 and I had a bag on my stomach. The next day 11,4 mom came in Sun and Jorma. I was sleeping and I was in a lot of pain. So I slept a lot. 11, 5 Dave called me and he was so worried about me. On 11.6 I had to get up in my wheelchair. Mom, Maiju, Hailey came. The PT and mom lifted me, and I was in a lot of pain. Maiju almost passed out. After I was use to my wheelchair little, we went around, I felt so dizzy. Around 3:30 I went back in bed mom Maiju and Hailey left because I was tired. Around 4pm Jenny, John, Natalie and Mike came they all made me feel better. Jenny said that I scared her, and that Dave would IM her and tell her that he missed me. She left around 5pm I had a male nurse I didn’t like him. On 11 7 I got up early in my chair mom and Jorma came back from church and visted me. I missed home. They left and came back. The Dr. kept telling us that’d I’d go home and often On Wednesday I got real home sick and wanted to go home so my case manger Christy came by and told me that she’d call mom. On Thursday she told me that I’d be going home Friday I got real happy. Friday came and I was real happy to go home. Mom came around 1pm I got home around 3:30.
Today the visiting nurse came by 9:30 I was sleeping. Around 10 am I got up around 10:15. I started to cry because my stomach hurt. Then I got my pain med and went on the computer. I’m real stressed out today. Because I have got a catheter and my stomach bag. I wish that I was normal. I’m not real happy. I was talking to Tammy and Dave. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone around 7:30 so I went away. I wrote a letter to dad telling him things. Around 10:15 Dave called. I said “are you mad at me for calling you?” he said no but I am mad that you always think that I am mad at you. Then I got quiet. He said what are you doing I said typing a journal entry he said “I hope its not bad” I said no. I love him and stuff but sometimes he drives me crazy. I guess that’s how love is. He had to go at 10:20 and I was happy. He said “can I call you back” I said yeah, cause I know that he wants to talk to me.
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| Really long poem, no title.. |
[27 Oct 2004|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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This poem is the longest poem that I’ve ever written, but all of its true..I hope that you enjoy it.
I’m sitting in my room
With my mom in the living room with her boyfriend
I got my sister at her boyfriends house
I got my boyfriend watching the game
I’m blasting my music
Because I can’t take it
I look at pictures
When I was happy
I would always smile
I would listen to soft music
I don’t remember locking myself in my room
There was no loud hard rock music
But that’s changed
I see myself in my room
I lock the door
Blasting the hard rock music
I’m wondering if people are wondering what I’m doing
I scream because people are less understanding towards me
I sit in my room in my wheelchair
Wishing that someone would call me
But people are getting to busy for me
I’m slipping away from life
I sit in my room wondering
Til 3am
I wish that I could be happier
but my legs have ruined that for me
Mom tries to get me to laugh
I can’t laugh
She doesn’t understand
She’s enjoying life
Days pass so quickly,
Friends come on
they leave
I sit in my room
watching tv
I’m waiting for an instant message
But everyone’s to busy
As I’m slipping away
Help someone catch me
Someone catches me for a while
Then they leave
I’m slipping away
so far away
I wonder when my boyfriend is going to call me
He called me then he tells me that he’s going to watch a game
I sit in my room
Blasting the music
I’m making sure that no one hears me scream or cry
I lock the door
I sit in my room
with the computer on til 3am
I’m getting worse
I’m slipping away
I’ve noticed that people are to busy for me
I think what a wonderful place
I think of my niece who’s only two years old
she loves me
She makes me feel alive
She makes me feel good
I think about my boyfriend
He comes on
He talks to me
Then he leaves
No one see’s me slipping away
Except me
So sad
I try to think positive
But its escaping me
as I am slipping away from people
When will someone notice
That I’m gone
I feel like I am a stranger in the house
I sit in my room
blasting the music
wishing that someone would notice me
wishing that someone would talk to me
I’m slipping away
I don’t know how to stop myself
I’m wishing that my boyfriend
would talk to me more
I’m wishing that people had more time in the world for me
but the days go by so fast
I have tears come down my face
I listen to music
I’m missing my dad
whom died in 1999
He was the best
He could cheer anyone up in a second
He fought for his life
People say that I kept him alive
I noticed that he got sick
I became very sad
the family mourned over his death
we buried him
on a Monday
The date was December 27, 1999
The time was two o’clock in the after noon
Now he’s cancer free
I often think about him
I think about his laugh
I think about his life
He was a hero
He was a hero in my eyes
I think of all the times that he made me happy
when he was alive I didn’t sit in my room alone
Things have changed
Minna
October 27, 2004
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| New Journal |
[24 Oct 2004|12:06pm] |
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I have to get a new journal to many people read it. it will be for my friends only.. so thanks for reading it. i don't trust people so good bye to this journal.. thanks
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| Pain |
[23 Oct 2004|10:36am] |
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uncomfortable |
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I've been in pain all night with my legs. I hate it, because then I can't sleep good.
Anyway last night Jodi came online and I asked her if she wanted to go out to eat? she said that she'll have to see. Around 7:45 she called and said sure we'll go, I said lets go to Uno's. We got there around 7:15, I got 2 screwdrivers$6 (cuz each drink was 3.00) Steak 8 0z$10.00 anyway I spent alot of money. After we left Jodi took me down a scary road, just like good old times. We got home around 10, I said "do you want to play UNO?" she said sure but you know that I'll kick your ass she did. She left around 10:30 I got a picture with her even though she hates them.
After that, I went online and talked with Dave. I called him like 11, he wasn't in a good mood because his nurse Jen didn't roll him right. I almost hung up on him but then he promised me that he'd change that he did. He was worried that I was mad at him. I said well don't say things like that.
I'm not going Christian's party because I really don't want to be stuck there with children even though Hailey will be there. Suvi gets to bring someone and I can't thats another reason why I don't want to go.
Last night I asked Tammy if she wanted to hang out this weekend? she said that she had plans with Scott. After Jan, I won't have anyone to hangout with. Because Jodi's going to be busy Tammy is going to be with Scott. Unless I find a PCA. I'm going to run the program how I want it. So that I don't end up more depressed. I'll ask them if they ever got into an accdent? or if they have ever got a speeding ticket.
I had a weird dream, that I was at camp it was the last day. Mom, Jorma, Stefen, Nina, Nora, Lova came to pick me up. Then we got home and Coz was there, we were having a water fight. Then this little kid pushed me off the ramp.
I can't wait until Christmas, because Miia, Jeff, Siira, Jeffery and Aniika are coming up from FL. I want to see the babies. The last time I saw them was July, and I miss them. I wish that Jeff could suck it up like the rest of us and stayed here. He's a whimp. I can't wait to have the whole family together.
I'm in so much pain with my legs. My body has to adjust to fall once it does then I'll be fine. Then it'll have to adjust to winter, spring summer. Oh well I've been threw it 21 times.
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| Tired |
[22 Oct 2004|11:59am] |
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tired |
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October 22, 2004
Yesterday I called Dave around 3pm but he was watching a movie. Around 4:30 I started to have spasms so I called Jorma and he told me that he’d come fast. He was at searstown mall in Leominster. So I got in bed, I watched some TV. Around 5 Dave called and I was spasming like crazy he was trying to take my mind off it. So he called Suvi to tell her to give me my meds by then Jorma was home he gave them to me. I was got up around 6, I went to talk to Dave. Mom and Jorma came home around 6:30.
After that I was still talking to Dave. I miss him so much. I hope that I can visit him in November I love him so much. When I’m there I feel like I’m the center of his world and that’s the greatest thing.
Today is Christian’s 7th birthday, tomorrow’s his birthday party. But I’m not going to go because Mauju was telling me that there’s 42 people coming and yet Brad gets to go with Suvi. It really pissed me off because if theres to many people then I won’t go. I’ll go to Tammy’s house instead. If I go I’ll feel like an outcast because when the kids go outside I’ll be stuck with all the adults and I won’t have anything to do. Suvi always gets to bring someone except me.
Last night I went into bed around 9pm because I was in a lot of pain. I talked to Dave in bed. Around 10:45 my nose started to bleed because its to dry in my room. But I have something to keep my room moist. Dave had to go to sleep around 11:30.
Today nothing is planed, I get the house to myself from 2:30 until Jorma comes. Next week, I want to go to the mall and get Simple Plans new CD. I can’t wait until Suvi gets her own laptop, because then she won’t be in my room. I know that she has to do homework but if I’m trying to have a conversation with Dave she’s right there. Say if I’m having a crappy day she’ll be here mom and Jorma will be in the living room and I can’t tell Dave why I’m so pissed off there’s to many ears.
I can’t use my phone anymore, on Monday I got a message from AT&T telling me that I have under $7 in it. So now we’re going to be looking for another pay as you go phone. I really liked that phone. Oh well, I’ll get another one, and I don’t want to wait until Christmas. I’ll pay for everything if I have to get a new cell phone.
Last night I had a dream that I was at camp Luke this scary ass guy from highschool was in the dream. We were near the pool and he went to chase some girl and he fell into the water with his power chair. Then another dream was that mom, Jorma, Maiju, Bret, and I went to Out Back Steak house. I took off on them and went to the bar. Half way of drinking it mom told me that we were leaving. I said I didn’t even pay or show them that I really am 21. She said oh well and we took off.
If we ever went there I’d get a raspberry pucker sprite. I love them that’s the first drink that I had on my 21st birthday. I want to go out and drink but mom would probably freak out. She doesn’t like when I drink. One day Jorma gave me a a beer bottle to drink she didn’t mind. When I was at the day program we were talking about our favorite drinks. One guy said rum and sprite. I wish that I could get a screwdriver, but mom doesn’t want to buy the vodka. I’ll beg her to buy a small bottle they only cost 99 cents.
I'm so tired even though I went to bed at 12:30am. Mom came and woke me at 10:30 because she had a eye doctors appt.
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| One long entry.. Crappy day out.10 more days until I go trick or treating haha |
[21 Oct 2004|12:26pm] |
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October 21, 2004
I woke up at 6am I wasn’t tired for some reason I kept falling asleep in my wheelchair. I’ve been doing a lot of website updating. I fell asleep at 8:30-10:30am in my wheelchair. Finally I woke up, I went into the kitchen so quietly and mom got scared that’s what my plan in the first place haha.
Its not that warm anymore but that’s okay I don’t like when it gets to warm. Yesterday Jeff was telling my mom that it was to cold for him. I was like poor you.
When Jorma gets out of work, he’s going to help me with my minutes on my cell phone. I got them on October 11th a week after that it told me that I only had $7 in my account. Mom got mad, I said why couldn’t it come out of my money account? She said because it’d cost too much money. But I don’t want mom always paying for everything. When we go to the mall she gives me money still even though I have my ATM card. It makes me feel like I am a little kid. She doesn’t give Suvi any money when she goes shopping only me. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever grow up.
Tomorrow October 22, 2004 Christian will be 7. Hailey keeps thinking that it’s her birthday. She wants an Elmo birthday party. On Saturday 12-3pm is Christian’s birthday party. I want to go over Tammy’s after so I’m going to have to ask mom
I really hope that I can talk to Dave today, because I miss him like crazy he misses me too. Last night when we were talking to each other on the phone he had his music loud and he said “I don’t have enough of time before my mom puts me to bed” I almost hung up on him. Because I thought that he’d want to talk to me. I want to talk to him, but if he’s going to blast his music and not really listen to me, then I’m not going to want to talk to him. I love him and all but I don’t want to be on the phone with him while he’s listening to music and I’m trying to talk. Or if he’s fixing his computer then I won’t want to talk to him on the phone. I understand that he likes music but I don’t like when he’s blasting it and listening to that instead of me. So if he does it again today, I’m going to say the music or me. I know that he’ll pick me, but once he starts to little ignore me I’m not going to talk to him.
Anyway I sent Jenny’s card out today. I really miss her when I try to call her she never picks up so it annoys me. I don’t know if I’m blocked on her buddy list. Because I changed my screen name and I try to IM her but she never IMS me back. I know that law school is busy. But I’d like to talk to her.
Monday I called Gail’s house to let her know that I got Mass Health back. Because she was going to help me get a new PCA. But I doubt that she’ll call back. I want help writing an add, but I don’t want Maiju to help because she’ll make sure its what mom and her want. After the last PCA papers Maiju wrote something’s like have you ever gotten into a car accident? Then she told me that there not allowed watching TV or hanging out with me. I don’t get why Abby & Jen got to do that, but once they saw Gail doing that mom would always tell me make sure that she does this. Sometimes when Gail and I would be on the computer mom would say, “Can she empty your trash?” I said she would when she leaves and she always did that. Gail was a good PCA she’d clean help me with showers make sure that I ate. After all of that was done I’d go on the computer and she’d watch TV. But oh well, I’ll get another one, I don’t care what Maiju and mom say.
Well that’s it for now, I have to get ready for the day
October 20, 2004
I went to the day program it was okay. I was with Tammy most of the day. When I got there, I went into the kitchen. They were making brownies they smelled good baking. I got out of my chair 11am before they got me back up they put my wedge that goes between my legs so that they aren’t always together. After lunch, Tammy and I hung out. At 1pm I went to do things with Phil. I watered flours; next I went into the kitchen they needed to see if I could open the fridge I did. Next we went into room C where I had to put some pieces of metal on a scale to make it to three hundred pounds. Next they looked at my computer skills and he said they were great. We went into the laundry room, to see if I could reach inside that I was able too.
Jorma picked me up around 2pm; I got food chicken nuggets and fries. Then mom told me that Jorma and here were go to Jeff’s work place to pick up a table. I got real mad because she promised that she’d stay home with me. Besides she didn’t have work. Jorma and her went walking. I asked them to get a Halloween Card for Jenny with some fake spiders. So they came back around 6:30 I told mom that those are the same spiders that I bought for Jenny 2 years ago when she was in Germany. I put the fake spiders all around her card.
I was talking to Dave, but he was to busy working on his computer. I called him around 9:30 and he was fixing his computer. I was getting annoyed because I wanted to talk to him. Then I went back on the computer and told him that I felt like I was being ignored he said that he was sorry.
Yesterday October 19,
I woke up around 12pm. I got changed. Around 12:45 Dave came back from away. We were talking until 2:30. I went away he signed off. He got a new computer I was away for a while. Jorma asked me if I wanted something to eat, I said no. Dave was back by 7pm but he was to busy fixing it so I really didn’t walk to him. I was talking to Tammy I was also watching TV. I took a shower and went to bed around 11pm
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| Tammy, Dave. The day rehab program on Wednesday, Mom. |
[18 Oct 2004|07:06pm] |
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mood |
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Gc21Sp04: hi tammy
Bragapeanut: hi
Bragapeanut: whats up
Gc21Sp04: i was talking to dave about the day program and i was saying if Phill asks me at the end of the day how'd i like it? if i do like it i'll tell him but if i don't i won't know what to say:-\
Gc21Sp04: I'm not juding yet but I'm just saying
Bragapeanut: just tell him the truth he will understand
Gc21Sp04: ok
Gc21Sp04: but if i don't go there my mom will give me away because she can't deal with me anymore
Gc21Sp04: she said that she will no longer be my mother i'll get a new dad and new sisters..
Bragapeanut: thats not right for her to say that to you
Gc21Sp04: i know, i don't want to be given away, because i'd be scared if they'd abuse me if i was spasming:-\
Bragapeanut: hell will freeze over if i let anyone abuse you
Bragapeanut:
Gc21Sp04: does that make you mad what my mom said?
Bragapeanut: yes it does it makes me really mad
Gc21Sp04: i don't want to come home everyday being sad
Bragapeanut: no mother should tell her kid she going to give them away
Gc21Sp04: i just want to happy
Gc21Sp04: that runs threw my mind everyday, that my mom wants to give me away, i can't get it out of my mind
On Wednesday, I have to go to the day rehab program. Its with disabilitys, I'll be with Tammy that will make me happy. She was telling me what to do and stuff. It starts @ 9am and ends @ 2:30pm.
Today, I woke up at 11am. I was dreaming about Hailey and she was walking in the house. So I yelled Hailey come here, then I realized that I was only dreaming.
Around 1:30 mom made me lunch. I had Chicken Nugguts and Fries, I ate to much candy so I drank a boost to even it all out.
Last night I was brushing my teeth, and my front teeth the gums were bleeding non stop. So when I got up this morning I asked mom if my teeth were bleeding she said yes. Two teeth in the front are infected when I went to get the dentle surgery, the couldn't pull them out because I'm my own gaurdian. The pulled one out because they talked about it before I went to sleep.
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